“I believed in you, so I said, “I am deeply troubled, Lord.” ~Ps. 116:10
I am troubled. Deeply so. I have read the blog-wrangling, the opposing viewpoints, the sparring comments, the sharp retorts. This head, passionate about learning and You, whirls with deciphering, discerning, distilling. Reformed, Emergent, Post-modern, Evangelical, Calvinism, Arminianism, Catholic, Protestant. Authors with stamps of approval, pastors that pass muster, churches deemed orthodox, conservative, Biblical,godly…or not. Interpretations, translations from the original, concordances. Stances, positions, posturing. Sifting, sifting, sifting. Everyone so sure.
And I am sure too.
Certain of the Cross and Your saving Grace. Unwavering about Your Sovereignty. Confident of Your sacrificial love that saved me, a sinner.
But the rest, Lord, the secondary issues? I confess it in a wavering whisper:
I don’t know.
Maybe I should, but I don’t. Not beyond a shadow of a doubt. Will You still take me, Lord?
I am sure of You… but theology? All the Details of Doctrine in which I so easily find myself entangled?
“Theology means “the science of God,” and I think any man who wants to think about God at all would like to have the clearest and most accurate ideas about Him which are available. You are not children: why should you be treated like children? Theology is practical. Everyone reads, everyone hears things discussed. Consequently, if you do not listen to Theology, that will not mean that you have no ideas about God. It will mean that you have a lot of wrong ones—bad, muddled, out-of-date ideas.” ~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
I want a clear understanding of You. And, seeing as everyone apparently has, intentionally or by default, a theology, is mine simply bad and muddled? I pray it is not so.
I don’t know about…well, You know all the things I don’t know about. And You know how everyone else seems so entirely certain, with flocks of disciples nodding in agreement, buoyed by the loud voices of assurance and confidence.
But what of humble voices?
Unassuming voices that can only whisper, “I do not know for certain, but I do know One who does know. For certain.” Perhaps there are less ears and hearts attuned to tentative voices. Little matter. It’s about meekly following the One who is all-knowing. “And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” ~Micha 6:8
Will you have mercy upon me, a prober, a questioner, a reader, a researcher, a student, who concludes that she doesn’t know, can’t ascertain, isn’t positively sure of the secondary details? Will you take me, with my tentative theology yet with no doubts about You and the Gospel of Jesus Christ?
I am confident in you, Abba Daddy, in the blood of You, Jesus, that washes me whiter than snow, but the rest, I confess my lack of certainty. C.S. Lewis claims I am not a child, and I shouldn’t be treated or act like a child…that I needs undertake theology and the science of You. But Abba Father? I am like a child tentative about so much… but so sure of You.
“The Lord protects those of childlike faith;” Ps. 116:6
Father…I am confident in You, but uncertain of the peripheral. I guess that is why You are the all-knowing Father, and I am merely the trusting child.
Matthew 18:4 Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Mark 10:15 “I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
