Life is sometimes so beautiful and messy and perfect that the heart grieves mad at moving on.
Littlest One who isn’t very little at all anymore, she finds a box this weekend of carefully folded dresses on a low shelf in a storage room. Boxed up years ago, when her sister’s legs and arms and back stretched tall. Smocked cottons and emobroidered peter pan collars. Dresses my hands had folded up while my throat burned heavy and everything blurred, dresses of an only daughter with four brothers, dresses I had sealed up in a box with prayers for laughter and light and curls and one more girl.
When that one-more-prayed-for-girl comes into the kitchen on a Saturday afternoon and happy twirls a dress skirt for us, my breath catches hard.
That swaddled baby that slept between us, how can she already fill those long-ago sister dresses? And her one older sister, the one tall and lithe, wearing shoes that are mine, she whispers wistful, “I remember when I wore that dress….”
I do not know where the time goes.
I stand in the kitchen with daughters grown and growing, daughters passing through here, passing through fingers, and they laugh at the wonder of bodies made big when they hadn’t noticed and I try to wipe away the grief before anyone notices.
I do not know where the time goes.
Is that because I am so unattentive to each of the moments?
“Mama?”
Not-so-Little-One, she stretches her hands up to me and I kneel down and I force a smile. Her eyes, the curve of her chin, that one tendril — I try freeze frame her face deep in memory. Mamas memorize moments.
“You look so pretty — all big in that dress.” I trace the hem that unbelievably hangs not too long and she giggles.
Then she pats my cheek gentle. She sees right through my brave smile. Her eyes comfort and her fingers try to stroke the sadness away. “I am still a little bit little.”
Why is it when we wake to all that is exquisitely right in life that we ache hurt instead of dancing joy?
How does a mama heart grieve the passing of her babies but not miss the the joy of her children now?
How does a heart sorrow over the time forever gone and still be present to the wonder of the time that is now?
How to do we let go of what once was and accept what now is?
Tall Girl comes sits on the floor with us, asks, “Don’t the sleeves feel puffy?” Little Girl nods glee and Tall Girl fingers the fabric remembering. “This one was one of my favorites.”
She turns to me.
“Thanks, Mom.” I nod and Little Girl tries to wrap around us both and she squeals it too, “Thank you!”
And I pick up the one word that lets a mama both grieve and embrace. I hold the only word that allows me to simultaneously let go of moments and accept this moment.
I whisper it too, murmur it into their hair and the golden threads of now.
“Thanks.”
Paying thanks to the Lord is a way of paying attention to life…
… a way of letting go… and still loving now.
Us three, we stand in the kitchen and we dance and I pray my thanks.
Our skirts twirl beautiful.
more of the endless gifts…. moments that connect….And I keep saying the one that heals… ‘thanks‘… thank you, Lord…
#1433. She hangs the stars and God hangs the moon and who can’t be over the moon with thanks?
#1434. When I pull up the sheets, I remember how he prayed over this day before it began and the way he squeezed my hand.
#1435. Touring DaySpring , I could feel it, their Jesus work of encouragement . It’s a very beautiful thing…
#1436. She shows me her necklaces and I’ve known it too, how Hope rings everything in the truest, alivest colors.
#1437. I am hushed in early morning light and I am long stilled in shadows because like a rose trampled on the ground, He really did take the fall, and thought of us… above all.
#1438. emails from your very own daughter
#1439. the sure and true sound of his voice on the other end of the line
#1440. looking in the eyes of forever friends, Jesus revolutionaries, Word women, radiant hearts
#1441. singing “Count Your Blessings” before bedtime with a girl on each lap
#1442. a series of paintbrushes all motion in harmony
#1443. working right beside him
#1444. board games and boys on Sunday afternoons
#1445. lingering over old photo albums
#1446. when he fills our house with Romans 12
#1447. beginning the week with Communion, feeding on the Christ, the bread come down from heaven, who is my daily bread, bread that satisfies….
For three things I thank God every day of my life:thanks that he has vouchsafed to me the knowledge of His works,
deep thanks that He has set in my darkness the lamp of faith;
deep, deepest thanks that I have another life to look forward to — a life joyous with light and flowers and heavenly song.
~ Helen Keller
Want to drink the joy elixir? Become a Joy Finder? Consider joining the Gratitude Community — just jump in with your own counting!
How to begin your own 1000 Gift List ::: How Gratitude Can Change your Life
( Drop me a line if choose to begin giving intentional thanks and gather fresh joy and I will happily add either your name or a web link to the Gratitude Community I’m slowly getting caught up on meeting all you beautiful folks who have joined the Gratitude Community. Thank you for your kind grace and patience! I’m so looking forward to meeting you all soon!)
If you’d like to share your gathering of God in the moments… , (please, jump in!) consider adding the direct URL to your specific 1000 gift list post… If you join us, we humbly ask that you please help us find each other by sharing the community’s graphic within your post
Photos: giving thanks here…
Share your thoughts?
If you would like Holy Experience posts quietly tucked into your reader or your inbox for free…
